Archive for June, 2010

Suspending Disbelief

Thursday, June 17th, 2010

There has been some concern voiced that I will disappear and then reappear in a posting with a whole new set of circumstances and no explanation of the upheaval in between. Six weeks have gone by…

I am here. Still unemployed. Money has shown up from unexpected sources, invitations to work and earn which have been gratefully accepted. I am now calling myself The Dinner Slut of Fort Langley (if you cook…). I have picked up where I left off more than eight months ago when I began busing into Langley to work at Chapters. My time for those seven months was spent getting there, working, and getting over it. Now I am wandering again, that is what I do when the day is my own. Yes I am on a job search, but primarily I am up here in the Loft working on my mojo. Do I believe something will materialize out of thin air just for me? I most certainly do. All things begin first as energy before they take their worldly form, and I have the opportunity now to work on mine in my solitude or in the company of my fine friends. I will not gasp for breath. I will believe in rarefied air; air that allows me to breathe who I am into life.

Am I chewing my nails? I have had a few panicky moments but when the fingers run out I move on to the pleasures of my life. I am so easily distracted by a good book, the call of the world to walk in, or the time available to catch up in person with the people I love.

I have a curious mind, but I think a lazy one too. I am not delving studiously into any particular subjects but letting myself browse and pick at whatever catches my interest. The archetype The Fool comes to mind. I know people are wondering what the heck is going to happen to me, living the way I do. The Fool laughs at Life, or laughs because of Life. Leonard is willing to be The Fool for Love so I cannot have his crown. It is worth it to me now to be The Fool for Me. For Me. The definition of The Scapegoat is one who is cruel or who takes on the cruelty of others. I did that for Chapters. I sacrificed my employment to make a statement, that I was not willing to not be paid my worth. I still miss all those books, my co-workers who became my friends, and the book lovers who needed me. Oh yes I do.

And so the leap continues. I’m spiraling slowly, looking out at the view. The bloom of purple lilacs has been replaced by pink rose scent. There are no lines of demarcation that differentiate between my day and night. I walk to ground myself when it feels like I am free falling too fast, too hard. I slide open the glass door of my bedroom to sit on the porch floor when the sunset flings its colours across the sky. When I dream of you and me and it wakes me, I turn on the light and pick up my book again to read myself into daylight and the life I live without you.

This flight cannot fail nor is it the first cliff that I’ve leapt from. I’m doing this for me and for anyone who wants to watch. I’m saying it is important to heal a heart that’s hurting. Doesn’t it save your life to stop the momentum when it becomes clear that the direction you’re heading is taking you Nowhere? What looks like falling down is taking me to higher ground.

Good Life

Blowing kisses to all the angels in my life. Thank you.

And, for L.